Okay, first off, if you’re someone who not only doesn’t think this column is trash, but so doesn’t think this column is trash that you actually know this is supposed to come out on Tuesdays: Apologies on the delay. But also not sorry because this is free-ass words you’re getting here, so...
Secondly, if the above words make zero sense, apologies for that and, furthermore, preemptive apologies for the fact that that trend is likely gonna continue for the next, oh, 1000 words or so. This is because sleeping on the couch for two days (for reasons that take too many words to explain — and no, they don’t involve a pissy significant other) with an asthmatic cat who decides to go for a stroll on your torso every 45 minutes isn’t conducive to getting even a fraction of a minute of sleep, much less the amount it takes to be able to process language coherently.