Mitch Moreland's bat is +3 vs. sourdough bread. All successful melee attacks result in 3d4 damage to his hamstrings, though.
Seattle's offense is so bad. How bad is it? Opposing pitchers leave cab fare on the night stand. Ba-dum-dum-tiss.
Chi Chi Gonzalez has a chance to have 3 scoreless starts to launch his MLB career. You can bet that the training staff is praying to the Lord of Light and probably doing something horrific to an innocent child as a preventative measure.
Martin Perez is pitching again. He also says that he "feels different" after Tommy John surgery.