Block all the roads out of Houston. Commence house-to-house searches.
Who stole Tom Brady's jersey?
Correction: Who stole the jersey of the President's friend.
That's right — you better run.
Hopefully this gets cleared up.
With a tearful confession by Roger Goodell.
No such thing happened.
Drat.
But Tom Brady's jersey did disappear after the Super Bowl.
In other news, Brady became the first quarterback to win the Super Bowl five times, the first player to be named Super Bowl MVP four times and the first player to shake hands with the man who suspended him for four games for his alleged role in Deflategate.