Super Sciency MLS Cup Prediction

People like to say that the MLS Cup Playoffs are a crapshoot, where skill doesn't matter and luck reigns supreme. Those people have probably never won an MLS Cup, because now that the Seattle Sounders have, let me tell you, only the greatest team who ever existed is capable of winning the MLS Cup (until someone other than Seattle does, that is).

Some "experts" have attempted to predict the result of these playoffs, using made-up words like math or recent form. Hogwash. There's only two ways of accurately telling the future: 1) a good set of bones and a strong throwin' arm, or 2) deductive logic. The only bones I got are the solid set making up this super spooky skeleton inside of me and I…