There is quite literally no chance I compose coherent thoughts for this recap. Its dream-like start time of 2:35 in the morning already has my brain cells in a tizzy. Definitely need to chronicle this game with only short, incomplete thoughts to conserve energy.
2:37 – Mike Fiers throws the first pitch of the season.
2:39 – Eduardo Pérez informs us that the Mariners’ 2018 season was bad, citing “run comparison”. Two minutes later, he mentions how weird it is to watch the A’s without Brett Lawire, who last played for the A’s in 2015. Dave Flemming knew he meant Jed Lowrie though, the way you always know what your friend is saying once the clock passes two, even when the thing they said is objectively wrong.