Following news that Zlatan Ibrahimovic, a mild-mannered athlete from Scandinavia, was facing suspension stemming from a red card, ticket prices have plummeted to record lows. The anticipated attendance is expected to dwindle for Friday’s match at the aptly named StubHub Center.
The tickets, which have seemingly lost all value, can now be found drifting down Sunset Boulevard or Rodeo Drive on any day with a stiff breeze, causing a spike in janitorial hires by local businesses.
“I could deal with the traffic. I can get over the fact that the stadium is out in the sticks. I’m even fine knowing my Carlos Bocanegra Chivas USA jersey will get me some dirty looks.