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Under Armour announces plans to make innovative basketball shoe that doesn’t look like ass

BALTIMORE — Sports apparel and shoe giant Under Armour announced plans today to develop a basketball shoe that doesn’t look like the wearer stepped in a pile of shit.

“Our consumer research has found that there is an undeserved market out there of those who want basketball sneakers to be … I believe the term they used was: ‘not horrid to look at,’” said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank. “We want to make it our aim to create such a revolutionary shoe.”

In light of recent shoe designs including the dad-focused Under Armour Steph Curry 2s and the upcoming James Harden signature line of Adidas orthopedic shoes, Plank said Under Armour is “daring to ask: What if there is another way?