HEAVEN — God apologized today for the current state of world affairs, which the all-powerful being admitted are “pretty bad.” The creator of the universe also said he takes full responsibility for declining global conditions, admitting most of the godly attention has been spent helping Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson do good at football.
“Man is made in God’s image,” said God. “So God is like anyone else: sometimes I get distracted from what I should really be doing by sports or little pet projects. In Russell’s case, it’s both. Sorry about that, everyone.”
Global tensions have only increased throughout recent months due to political and economic strife around the globe, and both humans and animals have been hit hard by natural events, as well.