Like a gross little kid picking out a puppy at a pet store, the Philadelphia 76ers have announced that they weally weally wuv the big one wif da Austwalian voice, and thusly plan to drafting LSU’s Ben Simmons in Thursday’s NBA Draft.
[Winces]
Look on the brightside, Ben — you’re moving to a city that has somehow managed to capture the full beauty of greasy, cheesy, meat sandwiches! How frickin’ cool is that! Philadelphia is basically Paris, dude, except instead of the whole falling in love with other people, you fall in love with the couch where you eat both your dinners.