The 10 Worst Coaches Texas Could Hire

By Tom Downey December 21, 2013
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For the first time since 1997, the University of Texas is looking for a new head football coach. Mack Brown will coach in his last game against Oregon in the Alamo Bowl and Texas is looking for a coach that can give the Longhorns their first ten-win season since 2009.

Everyone and their brother seems to have an opinion on whom Texas should hire as its next head coach.

But that isn’t as interesting as who Texas should NOT hire. So make sure your sarcasm detectors are fully functioning, because here are…

THE TEN WORST COACHES TEXAS COULD HIRE

Honorable mention:

Matthew McConaughey

He did wonders when he was head coach at Marshall, and his dad once played for the Green Bay Packers. He’s also a Texas alum and his movie career is on the rise. McConaughey has come a long way from staring in Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Next Generation.

10. Greg Robinson

Texas’ defense got better once Robinson took over, so why not give him a shot at the head coaching job? He has experience as a head coach, as he went 10-37 at Syracuse, winning three Big East games.

What happens if Robinson is hired: Robinson gets fired after two years, and closes his final press conference by telling a children’s story. Again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ydiZMflsnU

9. John Mackovic

Mackovic is a former Texas head coach who won the Walter Camp Coach of the Year award in 1979 after turning a 1-10 Wake Forest squad into an 8-4 bowl-bound team. He also served as head coach at Illinois and for the Kansas City Chiefs, before taking over at Texas. He was the one who recruited Ricky Williams to UT. Of course, he also led the Longhorns to 4-7 record with Williams as his star player in Mackovic’s last year at Texas. He was replaced by Mack Brown, who proceeded to guide to Texas to a Cotton Bowl victory.

Mackovic’s last college head coaching job was at Arizona, where things went downhill quickly. There was a player-revolt in his second year and although Mackovic survived that, he didn’t survive a 1-4 start to the next season.

What happens if Mackovic is hired: A player revolt that results in the Red River Rivalry being cancelled.

8. Marty Daniels

Daniels is a six-time national championship winner at Blue Mountain State University. He is a passionate coach, who knows how to inspire a win.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efak09euqek

On top of that, he can recruit players like Thad Castle and get them to stay all four years.

What happens if Daniels is hired: Texas gets the worst penalty from the NCAA for the litany of violations that would occur under Daniels’ watch.

7. Carl Pelini

Speaking people who allegedly used cocaine, why not hire Carl Pelini? Pelini resigned from Florida Atlantic for drug use and then un-resigned. He may have gone 5-15 at FAU, but everyone deserves a second chance.

What happens if Pelini is hired: Pelini signs an endorsement deal with Red Balls and the Longhorn Network airs a Red Balls commercial starring Pelini during every game.

6. Dennis Green

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYKIcnj1MJY

Green is probably best known for the video above, and he would be a real hit on the Longhorn Network. He’s been a college coach as well, posting a 26-63 record at Stanford and Northwestern.

What happens to if Green is hired: After Texas blows a large fourth quarter lead against an undefeated Oklahoma squad, Green goes on rant that is replayed on ESPN every time Texas plays.

5. Todd Haley

I’m convinced Todd Haley is insane. Look at that gif. WHO DOES THAT? Only someone who thinks his employer is spying on him.

If you need more proof, check out this gif. He'd make a great college head coach.

What happens if Haley is hired: Haley is fired after two years of mediocre play and his refusal to use his players correctly.

4. Gene Chizik

Excluding the year he had Cam Newton at Auburn, Chizik was 24-38 at Iowa State and Auburn. But Chizik was successful during his time as defensive coordinator at Texas, and bought won a national title with Auburn.

What happens if Chizik is hired: Chizik and Texas win a national title when the NCAA allows Cam Newton to play. Chizik fails to post a winning record aside from that season.

3. Jose Canseco

Canseco has declared himself a candidate for the job, and his plan is full-proof.

What happens if Canseco is hired: #Cansecohorns actually works, and Texas wins seven national titles in a row.

2. Charlie Weis

Weis is in his second year as the head coach at Kansas, so he knows how to coach in the Big 12. He also tripled Kansas’s wins from his first year to his second year.

Weis took Notre Dame to a pair of BCS bowls during his time as head coach, so he’s proven himself in the past.

What happens if Weis is hired: Weis leads Texas to a BCS bowl in his first year as head coach and Texas hands Weis a ten-year contract. Texas struggles every year after that and when The Daily Texan, the University of Texas’ Student Newspaper, writes a critical story of Weis, Weis get upset and complains. Just like he did last year.

1. Lane Kiffin

Like you expected anyone else.

Kiffin is a former NFL, SEC and PAC-12 head coach, so his resume is nothing short of spectacular. He has never had a losing season as a college head coach. His ability to work with the media will mesh well with the Longhorn Network.

What happens if Kiffin is hired: Kiffin recruits well, but Texas never becomes anything more than a middling Big-12 team. Fed up with the mediocrity, Kiffin is fired by Texas in the middle of a game. Kiffin moves on with his life-long dream of being hated by a school in every power conference.

More from Tom Downey:

Head coach search puts Texas in 'Danger Zone'

Fantasy Football Start 'em or Sit 'em Week 16

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