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Alexandra Petri: Excuse me, director, I have some questions about my role in the spring play as crisis actor

First, I am SO excited to be cast in the spring production this year as a crisis actor, and I look forward to giving the role my all! Since I have previously starred as Courtney (“Legally Blonde”), Chorus (“Grease”) and Factory Worker 3/Third Alternate for Madame Thenardier (“Les Mis”) among other roles, you know you can expect 100 percent commitment from me, even though I am only a sophomore.

As an actor this gives me what I have always craved the most: total anonymity, no attention whatsoever and a guarantee that no one will ever learn my name.