So here’s the rule as I understand it: In order to beat Chicago Fire, someone on the Philadelphia Union roster — it doesn’t matter who — must sensationally embarrass two defenders on the dribble then unleash, thoroughly without remorse, an atomic, foot-based torpedo beyond the goalie’s waving right arm. I don’t know why it’s the rule, but the data is clear.
Back in May, Ilsinho quadrupled the number of gray hairs on Bastian Schweinsteiger’s head with a modern interpretation of Ronaldinho’s 9th Symphony, putting Schweini on his mixtape reeling and the Union on course for an important victory at home.