Who wouldn't want to join the Phillies lineup these days?
As the losses pile up and the nights get sweatier, we become anxious for something to happen. "Why can't some player just commit some sort of foul act for us all to look down upon?!" we cry into the humid spring evening. Then we kick a pebble, jerk our heads up thinking we heard a whispered rumor about a Jonathan Papelbon trade, and go back inside knowing it was, always, simply the wind.
Well weep into your pillows no more, friends. I present to you: a thing.