I have a confession to make. I have never seen Star Wars.
Well, that's not entirely accurate. I have seen exactly six minutes into the first Star Wars movie. A New Hope. See, I crushed that. Now that I'm thinking about it, though, I don't think it counts. Bottom line is that I have had three large beers and several glasses of apple pie sangria, and now I am ready to write about hockey in a roundabout sort of way, as is my wont.
Also, I am drunk! [Ed. note: This piece was, in fact, written prior to the afternoon of Monday, December 14.