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A Mathematical Examination of How Much It'd Take For a Bad NFL Team to Lure Ryan Day Away From Ohio State

I have cyclical anxieties that pop up at regular intervals to mess with my brain.

For instance, there is a specific point when Ohio Winter officially and decidedly transforms into Ohio Spring, and my sinuses explode for 24 straight hours as I'm convinced that this is the year my allergies finally kill me.

Usually sometime in the height of summer I read an article about a brain eating amoeba that inhabits poorly maintained ponds and pools, and am convinced that every time I get wet there's at least a 30% chance I'll collapse into a steaming pile of goo like the Wicked Witch of the West.