Dear MLB Players, Coaches, and Broadcasters,
Greetings to all. I have been granted Commissioner authority by Mr. Rob Manfred, upon his realization earlier today that he is “generally and specifically incompetent at anything and everything”. We thank Mr. Manfred for his self-insight into this matter, especially at a time when never before has there been a greater need for Major League Baseball to push forward — safely, of course.
You are receiving this memo because as a major league player, coach, or broadcaster, you qualify to participate in the 2020 season (or because you read Athletics Nation, where for some reason I am sharing this memo).