At an event in North Carolina on Monday afternoon, notable area inventor Dave Doeren took the opportunity to announce his most recent piece of worldwide society-improving machinery: a hose that shoots out a damn shit-ton of liquor. This breakthrough comes at just the right time, as the start of football practice--signaling the impending doom of the return of the football season proper--lies but weeks ahead.
Doeren, a man of great skill in a number of fields and a serial dabbler, has himself done some work in football. None of it worth noting, mind you, but let us not fault a man for attempting to expand on his horizons.