Hello, football person. You, like me, might just be coming out of a draft-induced coma, disheveled, irritable and—if we’re being honest—covered in your own filth. You’re also likely oblivious to The Royal Wedding, which everyone is talking about and which will begin in just a few hours. And you probably have absolutely no idea what’s going on, which is just making you more irritable, disheveled and filthy. But fret not. No fretting. Yes, zero frets.
I’ve been surrounded by quite a few Royal Wedding fans—from my spouse to my co-workers to others who I’d describe as friends but who probably would not do likewise—and I’m here to share what I’ve gleaned while my attention shifted between the person explaining things to me and whatever is on Cartoon Network.