Bryan: Welcome back to Scramble for the Ball, the column where everything's made up and the stats don't matter. We're one-eighth of the way into the season, which of course means that your team is DOOMED!
Andrew: Your quarterback is terrible! And he's hurt, and the backup's even worse! And now he's hurt too! And your running back has butterfingers, your receivers can't get open, and your defense can't stop anyone!
You dread a home game against the Cleveland Browns! Wait, you ARE the Cleveland Browns! NOOOOO!!!
Bryan: I'm pretty sure the Cleveland Browns are just an urban legend parents tell their children to keep them on the straight and narrow.