"OF COURSE WE SIGNED HIM BECAUSE HIS FAMILY'S RICH WHAT ARE YOU CRAZ--WAIT AM I STILL ON THIS PHONE CALL OH GOD DAMN IT"
In an unexpected and somewhat bewildering move, Virginia has signed Ludwig von Habsburg, a 24-year-old from Austria.
When contacted, the coaching staff was very positive but incredibly vague in their praise of Habsburg's skill set. He has no experience playing American football, and weighs only 135 pounds despite already being several years older than every other member of the team. When asked to comment on that, coaches said they liked his "Uhhhh, untapped upside potential" and were excited that "He'll bring a fresh set of eyes to the game, yes, that's it.