Dear Boston College Football,
I was playing Risk with Keiko the orca and Knut the polar bear in Famous Zoo Animal Heaven — all the animals here have opposable thumbs, which is reality-changing for Keiko and Knut but for me it’s like, um, why do I not get some kind of cool upgrade — when I heard that your quarterback has decided to dedicate this season to my memory.
With respect, I would like to decline that offer.
Now, I’m aware that comes off as extremely ungrateful. What kind of snooty dead gorilla turns his nose up at this kind of tribute?