Athletes cheat. Common knowledge. Cheat on the game, cheat on the refs, cheat on their wives too. Especially in baseball, where being gone 150 days a year, and actually spending a few days in each city, creates some temptations—certain destinations especially. So some cities become “wife cities,” a place where your wife (and maybe kids if you have them) comes with and you enjoy a few days away. Other cities are “girlfriend” cities, where you rendezvous and really enjoy a few days away.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="391" caption="Cheater of game and wife, Barry Bonds (although never proven for either, credit where credit is due)"]
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Notorious cheater (of wife and game) Barry Bonds had a mistress that said Miami was her “girlfriend city,” and that she would meet up with Bonds there (she also said many other players had the same routine, but we already knew that). So this begs the question: Just what is a “girlfriend city,” and what is a “wife city?” All cities are girlfriend cities to me, but if I had to pick, here’s what ya boy Dean Thompson’s got.
Girlfriend cities
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="252" caption="Sup South Beach"]
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Miami (Miami Marlins)—Nightlife, bikini-sights. South Beach is the ultimate girlfriend destination.
New York (New York Yankees, New York Mets)—The city that never sleeps. It’s nightlife is unparalleled and unending. Two problems though: wife definitely might want to come, and there’s an awful lost of paparazzi to catch you with someone you shouldn’t be with.
Chicago (Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox)—Chi-town steps its game up when the lights go down. All the nightlife New York has to offer, but without the tourist attractions (which might mean family trip).
Atlanta (Atlanta Braves)—“Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play.” Enough said.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="252" caption="San Diego's Gaslamp Quarter"]
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San Diego (San Diego Padres)—You get the Southern California beaches and high quality nightlife, but without the family begging to come with to Hollywood and Disneyland in L.A.
Phoenix (Arizona Diamondbacks)—Spring training here is a month-and-a-half, often without the wife. Chances are there’s some relationships to re-kindle.
Toronto (Toronto Blue Jays)—Basically free reign on Canada.
Dallas (Texas Rangers)—Big city for you to have fun in, not cool enough for the wife to want to go.
Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay Rays)—It ain’t Miami, but it’s still Florida. Also there are quite a number of clubs. Haven’t you seen Magic Mike?
Houston (Houston Astros)—Strip Clubs. Lots of ’em.
Kansas City (Kansas City Royals)—Yeah the wife ain’t coming here but you could probably convince the/a girlfriend.
Cincinnati (Cincinnati Reds)—The wife ain’t coming here and a girlfriend probably isn’t either. But worth a shot.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="390" caption="Cleveland, Ohio, everyone"]
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Cleveland (Cleveland Indians)—ditto.
Detroit (Detroit Tigers) —The wife ain’t coming here and a girlfriend probably isn’t either. Not even worth a shot.
Wife cities
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="288" caption="You have no choice"]
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Los Angeles (Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels)—You might like to make this a girlfriend city, but no shot. Beaches, restaurants, and some family time at Disneyland.
San Francisco (San Francisco Giants, Oakland Athletics)—They call it the most beautiful city in the world, so maybe enjoy it with your actual wife. Great food and tourism too.
Boston (Boston Red Sox)—Nightlife is sub-par for the size of the city, so you’re not missing out. Cool city to be in anyways.
Philadelphia (Philadelphia Phillies)—A good sized east coast city without anything special on the nightlife front sounds like the perfect “wife city.” Plus great tourism for the whole family.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="252" caption="Again, no choice. Family trip"]
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Washington, D.C. (Washington Nationals)—Nation’s capitol. Family trip written all over it, for much the same reasons as Philly.
Seattle (Seattle Mariners)—A cool town without a killer nightlife scene, she’ll love it and you won’t feel like you’re missing out.
Denver (Colorado Rockies)—Just way too much to do with your wife here. No way you can’t bring her.
Baltimore (Baltimore Orioles)—Baltimore gets a bad rap, so don’t scare away a/the girlfriend here. But there are some great spots to it, like crab cakes by the water.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="176" caption="But seriously how many times can you visit this?"]
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St. Louis (St. Louis Cardinals)—A nice Midwestern town with some solid tourism. It should make for a relaxing few days.
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="141" caption="Hooray, beer! Wait crap, this is a wife city?"]
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Milwaukee (Milwaukee Brewers)—Hey, beer! Bring her with you it will be fun.
Minneapolis (Minnesota Twins)—Nice people, right?
Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh Pirates)—Apparently this town is actually really pretty? Well that way you’ll have fun and not miss any nightlife.
Alright but here’s the catch. If the wives never gets invited anywhere cool like Miami or New York or Chicago don’t you think they might suspect something? There’s gotta be some mixing and matching going on. Maybe the team agrees that New York and San Francisco are wife cities this year, while Chicago and Atlanta get to be the girlfriend cities. Probably in Cincinnati and Kansas City you can do whatever the hell you want, cuz no one’s coming with you or to visit you there. But the team does have to agree; otherwise you’ll have wives mixing with mistresses, and that’s really just not good.
- Dean Thompson
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