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Dear Nicolas,
This is David Kahn, President of Basketball Operations for the Minnesota Timberwolves. Maybe you’ve heard of me, maybe you haven’t. I am taking a small time out from bass fishing in the Red Sea from Darko’s boat (he says hi by the way!!!!). I just wanted to basically write you to tell you how incredibly gifted of basketball player I really think you are. I can honestly say, there isn’t another NBA role player I’d rather have than you sir. I have had my eye on you for quite some time and strongly believe you could become the greatest role player in the entire history of the NBA.
As you may have heard, for years now I have been trying to acquire you from Portland. Year after year ever since you came into the NBA in 2008, I have been basically infatuated with you. Now, that may sound bad, but it’s not in a creepy “Somebody’s Watching Me,” by Rockwell sort of way. It’s more in a way where I have been 
basically observing you from afar. Wait, that didn’t sound right. I mean I’ve been reading your Facebook posts and Tweets regularly, trying to find any snippet where you seam unhappy as a Blazer. Yikes, that’s NOT what I mean either. I’m sweating so bad, I mean I’m ACTUALLY typing a letter to Nicolas Batum!!!!
My fingers are shaking and Darko keeps bugging me to poor him a Margarita. Oh don’t worry about him either, I let him go this offseason to make room for you on our roster but Darko and I are still friends, basically because I helped him buy this yacht courtesy of T-Wolves owner Glen Taylor. Same goes for Mega Bust Michael Beasley, wait you don’t smoke do you!!?? Darn it, better email Glen
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to make sure we can get him back so you can watch Half Baked together during the season!!!! I’m thinking we can get Beasley back for a cool 20 Million over the next three years, sounds right doesn’t it? No one ever said I understood money and contracts so bear with me.
Look Nico (Can I call you that, sort of a cool nickname??). This Timberwolves franchise needs you. We can’t go on without your career average 10.2 Points per game. You are the perfect fit here. Just imagine getting to drain corner 3’s and be the second option behind……Coltin?....Calvin??.... ohhh that’s right Kevin Love, my bad. You can trust me, like the same kind of trust Jim Carrey earned in the movie Liar Liar. I KNOW what I’m doing. Even though I never have played a single minute of basketball in my
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entire life, and was a beat sportswriter before this, I can see talent where no one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE else sees it. Why do you think Anthony Tolliver and Luke Ridnour are on the team still?? I can assure you, someone, anyone will be calling me soon to trade for those two dudes. Actually Mr. Batum, if you know of anyone that wants those two let me know and I’ll give you my cell, pager, email, home address, fax number and land line number.
You need us Nicolas, we need you. You are the final piece to a possible 8th seed in the Western Conference Playoffs in 2013. I have spent the past four years trying to trade for you, completely ignoring any and all other needs for our team. There is just something about you, you ever seen that movie There’s Something About Mary? I’m a combo of Ben Stiller and Woogie, that guy who
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stole Mary’s shoes (speaking of shoes how does the Nike Air Batums sound?? Let me call Phil Knight up). Bottom line, we need to do EVERYTHING possible to get you on our roster. This is my desperate plea Mr. Batum. Oh I want you, I don’t know if I need you but oooooh I’d die to find out. Did I just reference Savage Garden??? I guess I did!!!!
All My Love,
David Kahn
President of Basketball Operations for the Minnesota Timberwolves
By Neal Buenz
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