As of Tuesday morning, there is only one football league still playing its season, and that's the NFL. The Lingerie Football League might still be playing, and some would argue it's a football league, but I argue that it's softcore, in-person porn, which explains why there are no urinals and only stalls in the stadium bathrooms.
I know most people are waiting for my Marianas trench-depth analysis and for those folks, I will not disappoint. I will compare each remaining playoff team to a Top 40 song and pick a winner based on the awesomeness of said song. Get your bookie on the phone, this will only take a second:
New Orleans Saints - #1 - Sexy and I Know It - LMFAO - Drew Brees' entire person screams sex, as does 5,400 passing yards in a season.
vs.
San Francisco 49ers - #14 - Wiz Kalifa feat. Snoop Dogg - Young, Wild and Free -
The winner: The Saints are certainly the Sexy pic and the Saints and their young coach have absolutely nothing to lose after their surprising Division championship season. Based on the songs and accompanying videos, it's gratuitous dong shots vs. blunts, which would be hard to call. In the actual game, we have ourselves an old fashioned offensive vs. defensive showdown. I've heard good defense beats good offense, but I don't think Paul Brown was talking about this offense. The Saints, on the strength of the thonged phallus, and their offense, take this one.
Denver Broncos - #39 - God Gave me You - Blake Shelton
vs.
New England Patriots - #4 It Will Rain - Bruno Mars
The Winner: You can expect Tom Brady to make it rain footballs in Foxboro on Saturday and give the Broncos defense something similar to the 320 yards Brady threw for in their first match-up. As for the Broncos, am I saying that some divine being put Tim Tebow on this earth and on these Broncos to win NFL Championships? That's exactly what I'm saying.
I think Jesus, Allah, Buddha and Super Jesus all teamed up at their secret diety lair and said, "Well I guess we could give some lucky human the power to cure cancer or aids, settle wars and save millions of lives, or make the Frito burrito at Taco Bell a regular menu item, but instead, let's give him the power to effectively run a college offense in a professional sport that only one country in the world cares about. Oh man, pro-style offense purveyors are going to be soooo pissed. F U Don Coryell." Oh, I still have to pick a winner, New England, obviously.
Houston Texans - #2 - Rihanna - We Found Love - They found love and their first playoff win through the first power and glory of T.J. Yates.
vs.
Baltimore Ravens - #5 - Flo Rida - Good Feeling - If I saw my playof nemesis get eliminated by the trebuchet attached to Tim Tebow's left shoulder, I'd have a good feeling too.
The Winner: Terrell Suggs is going to make T.J. Yates wish he were Matt Lienhart and wearing that fashionable sideline ear piece that's obviously tuned to the Spice Channel on XM. Ravens by a lot.
New York Giants - Jason Rerulo - It Girl - The Giants went from almost needing a new coach to being the NFL's non-Tebow flavor of the month.
vs.
Green Bay Packers - Moves Like Jagger Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera - Who do you think gets more trim, a 104 year old with a face like a London Broil or Aaron Rodgers. Without hesitation I'd say it's Jagger. Behold the subliminal fallic messenging produced by a man holding a guitar. If you can believe it, the guitar outdoes a man throwing balls to other men amongst the lady folk.
Winner: Pack attack should run away with this one...but...they will not. In the upset special of my life, I see the Giants' pass rush getting after Rodgers and winning a ridiculously close one. Imagine Lawrence Tynes urinating all over his football short pants as he drills a 43 yarder to win.
There you have it folks. Line up the bets, in the absolute opposite direction, and make some skrill.
I like the Saints and Ravens to get to the Super Bowl and the Saints to take it home if you want bet against a career loser a bit further.
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