Whether you're aware of it or not, this is hype season. The NBA and NFL drafts are right around the corner and every single prospect is being compared to current or former NBA/NFL players in an attempt to pull the wool over the eyes of perrenially idiotic NBA/NFL GMs. The NBA trusts their decision makers so little that every year David Stern trots out a plan to have high school players spend more years in college. This year he took to his pulpit to propose a rule that every high school player should have go to college, start a career unrelated to basketball and stay in that line of work for exactly 26 years to be eligible for the NBA draft. Then, and only then, will NBA GMs have enough film to accurately guage whether they should draft these now 44 year olds. I'm starting to believe the conspiracy theorists that say David Stern is a robot, remotely controlled by Shane Battier, with the expressed purpose of limiting players entering the league and guaranteeing Shane and other vets a job until they're 70.
That was a bit of a digression, but it's also hype season because we begin to see previews for obviously terrible summer blockbusters. Why not merge these two paragons of hype and compare this year's overhyped NBA prospects to some overhyped summer blockbusters? No objections? Here we go:
The Avengers - Thomas Robinson - You, me and a lot of NBA scouts saw Thomas struggle offensively against an athletic Kentucky front line. He played without abandon and ended up grabbing 17 boards in the title game. I think what you see is what you get with the Avengers. Robert Downey Jr. is going to be snarky. The Hulk is going to break things and Captain America is going to be one hell of a patriot in nuthuggers. The same can be said about Robinson. He's never going to be a lock down defender, but he will be a very versatile offensive player who will be relentless on the glass. You're not going to ask for your $10.50 back after the Avengers and I think whoever drafts Robinson will be pretty pleased.
The Dictator - Michael Kidd - Gilchrist - I love Sasha Baron-Cohen movies. I love the ironic anti-semitism. I love how he gets white people to say incredibly offensive things about gay, jewish, black people without them realizing how hateful they're actually being. This movie will live up to the hype in the same way the Kidd-Gilchrist will. He has every attribute necessary to be a successful NBA small forward in the same way that Dictator has everything necessary (foreign people, accents, murders glossed over as jokes) to make me laugh.
Battleship - Andre Drummond - UConn - (See Hasheem Thabeet). It's not encouraging when a player that's physical stronger, more athletic and generally taller than anyone he plays against scores 10 ppg for a non-tournament team. At this point Andre seems like a lot more upside than actual substance. There will be absolutely no substance to Battleship. Battleship will be as terrible as Hasheem Thabeet and it's probably a worse investment for the studio than Hasheem was for the Grizzlies.
(Of the things in the world that should have $200 million dollars spent on them, this is around 43,564,890,124,056 on the list of worthiness. There are starving African children that will get a bootlegged copy of this in 9 months and just weep that their $100,000 sustainable irrigation plan was shot down by because of lack of governmental funds.)
Men in Black III - Austin Rivers - Rivers is a sequel in a pretty good franchise. In both cases, it remains to be seen whether either sequel will be as good as the originals, but based on the way that Austin played more like a SG than PG, I'll say both will at least be different. Differentness is almost inevitable with MIB III because Tommy Lee Jones was born in the gilded age and his face should have Rawlings branded on the side.
(does anyone else think Vitale is having the beginning stages of an orgasm at the beginning of this call?)
Madagascar III: Europe's Most Wanted - Furkan Aldemir - The most wanted player from Europe is projected to be the 46th draft pick by nbadraft.net and is being compared to future HOFer Omer Asik. I'm not confident the movie or the player will be a blockbuster.
Air Turkey! You could slide a 500 sheet ream under that vertical.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Harrison Barnes - In both cases, something is wrong with this picture. Barnes seems to have everything necessary to be great, but he hasn't yet put it all together when it matters. Like a vampire hunting Abraham Lincoln, he's not who he should be. Lincoln should stick to abolishing slavery and getting shot in the head and Barnes should have taken the reins and been a bona fide star this year. Both leave a little to be desired.
The Amazing Spiderman - Meyers Leonard - Illinois - I've seen this movie before, but with a different person in the starring role. Meyers Leonard is likely Todd McCullough in a younger looking mask. Unfortunately, if he was, he would have been more productive in college. Don't worry NBA GMs, this time it's different! You'll turn a guy who wouldn't compete and couldn't stay out of foul trouble into an All-Star.
(This title encapsulates Meyers Leonard. Almost dunk of the year. Almost reasonable lottery prospect. Almost as good looking at Todd McCullough)
The Dark Knight Rises - Anthony Davis - These are probably the only sure things on the list. Anthony Davis might not be Bill Russell as some commentators say, but I could definitely see him as a more offensively skilled Marcus Camby. Like most fans, I'm welcoming the hype on the new Batman movies. Love me some Bale and his Batman voice in completely unnecessary situations.
The Bourne Legacy - Jeremy Lamb - If you can't get Damon, don't make another movie. Plain and simple. Jeremy is following the Kemba Walker legacy and looks to get drafted in same area that Kemba did last year. If this year was any indication, Lamb is not yet the player that Kemba was/is. He could make it there in the same way that this movie might be good, but I'm skeptical as of right now.
The most emblematic play of Lamb's season.
Total Recall - Perry Jones - Perry Jones was a potentially #1 pick when he hit campus in Waco. He had a solid freshman season but nothing representative of a future #1. He's now looking more like the #15th pick than the #1. He's a bit soft and he's not the shooter nor is he the ballhandler that everyone thought he might be. Out of respect for Arnold, I will not see this iteration of a Total Recall. Out of respect for the career of Jones-clone Anthony Randolph, I would not support a high lottery pick of Perry.
I think I got most of the terrible blockbuster movies coming to your theatres this summer. Let me know what I missed in the comments.
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