There is something to be said for overconfidence where previous evidence suggests overconfidence is completely unwarranted. This is the nerd at work telling you how attractive the “girl” was that he talked to at the bar on Friday night. This is the fat guy you’re friends with telling you how athletic he was before he “put on a little weight.” This is any girl who has uttered the words “I know a lot about sports,” or “people tell me I’m really funny.”
In almost all life situations, I’m underconfident. I would never profess to be very intelligent, athletic or particularly good at any one skill. If I was good at one thing, it would probably be "averageness." I'd be a 99 in the averageness category if it was ranked on Madden 12. I'm literally off the average charts. But all that underconfidence changes where sports betting is concerned. Suddenly, zombie James Naismith and his evil hoards of basketball undead could not stand before my bounty of basketball knowledge. I envision seas of common people kneeling in front of me as I fill out what must be the perfect NCAA bracket each year. “How can Kansas State, a team I watched play for possibly 33 minutes this season, lose to a Fab Melo-less #2 ranked Syracuse team.” “Congratulations to Belmont,” I say to myself as I pencil them into the sweet 16, “enjoy the parade down Broadway in Nashville; the co-eds will be topless in no-time.” “A plucky mid-major always makes a run, why won’t it be Long Beach State? If they can win in the Big West, they can win anywhere.” These are the ravings of an absolute moron. I’m so clueless I’m clueless as to what I’m clueless about.
Fortunately, there is one thing thing that allows a moron to overcome his moronocity. (sp) Practice. And since I’ve been filling out a bracket for around 20 years at this point, I have practice in spades. Practice brings resignation to incompetence and resignation allows to me to put together a (potentially) humorous article about the NCAA tournament.
Outside of being dumb and loving basketball, I also love old-school professional wrestling. Who better to help us breakdown each team in this year’s Sweet 16 then some roided-up, Brazilian-waxed, homo-erotic feeling-inducing friends form the past? I’ve compared each team that remains to former/current WWE superstar. Let me know if my logic is as moronic as my picks in the comments.
(no Hulk, you didn't make the list. This is what happens when you start making sex tapes and try to ruin my child hood. Get your house in order, then we'll talk about lists.)
Kentucky Wildcats - The Rock - The Wildcats are the showstoppers; they're the biggest, baddest kids on the block. They're flashy brash and they're "The People's Champ," if NCAA bracket pools are any indication. If that's not enough, Kentucky even has the "People's Eyebrow."
(it's worth 5 minutes)
vs.
Indiana Hoosiers - Shawn Michaels - If there is one, Indiana is the "sexy" pick to knock off Kentucky. Shawn Michaels, as we all know, is a "sexy boy."
(I'm changing my phone's ringer immediately.)
Baylor Bears - Goldust - Baylor might have actually worn 12 sets of Goldust's old tights in their last game against Colorado. Compare and contrast below.
vs.
Xavier Musketeers - 1-2-3 Kid - Just like the 1-2-3 Kid at all times, no one was really expecting much from the Musketeers this tournament. Plus, as Xavier's new mascot, he might just change his name to the 1-Tu-3 Kid in honor of Xavier's star guard Tu Holloway.
Michigan State Spartans - Sgt. Slaughter - The militaristic brand of basketball employed by Tom Izzo and the Spartans meshes perfectly with Slaughter's army / cartoon army background.
vs.
Louisville Cardinals - Ravishing Rick Rude - There is no coach that pays more attention to his appearance than Rick Pitino. The two Ricks would get along swimmingly I'm sure. Plus, if Pitino's court appearances are any indication, they could get along pretty well cruising for cougars.
Marquette Golden Eagles - Sting - Every year, for around 4 months of the basketball season, I'll forget that Marquette even exists. Maybe it's they fact they they're located 5-10 miles away from Greenland, or maybe it's because I'm a moron. In any event, I remember them immediately when they drop down from the rafters like Sting, with a baseball bat in hand and explode my bracket. Jerks.
vs.
Florida Gators - Razor Ramon - I really wanted to include Razor on this list and who better to pair them with than Florida. After all, Razor was born and raised in Miami, Florida where he learned the knife fighting, the drug game and how to use copious amounts of hair gel and still looking really sweet to 10 year olds.
Kansas Jayhawks - Ric Flair - This team has the talent, flash and pedigree to bring the whole thing home this year. They're only missing a rhinestone studded coat, which would look great on Bill Self by the way.
vs.
NC State Wolfpack - Bob Bachlund - Just like Bachlund and the rest of the 80's era pro wrestler that looked like my dad without a shirt on, no one is sure what the hell NC State is doing there. Just like Bachlund's cross-face chicken wing, NC State can be very dangerous all the same.
North Carolina Tar Heels - Rick "The Model" Martel - UNC is another extremely sexy pick to win it all. They have enough NBA talent to beat the Wizards and Roy Williams suits are expensive enough to trade straight-up FOR the Wizards.
vs.
Ohio Bobcats - Bastion Booger - Ohio is the team that no one wants to play and potentially be embarassed by. They're plucky, probably a little stinky and everyone's matchup nightmare if they continue to hit their 3s.
Ohio State Buckeyes - Batista - They're a powerhouse with 3 likely first round picks and a perennial Big 10 defensive player of the year candidate. Like Bautista, you have to wonder why a team/person this talented/roided-up would ever lose, but somehow both do. Cincinnati hopes to be on the receiving end of lackluster performance by this confusing Buckeye squad.
vs.
Cincinnati Bearcats - Big Boss Man - Cincinnati is going to have to play Big Boss Man-style lockdown defense if they're going to take this one. BBM parallels also work on the "Cincinnati players are always getting arrested," level, which Lance Stephenson begins to object to, but then pipes down.
Syracuse Orangemen - Bret Hart - With Fab Melo out, the Orangeman will have to channel Bret and become Excellences of Execution if they're going to advance past the round of 16. They're one Yokozuna/Bruesewitz bomb away from going home.
vs.
Wisconsin Badgers - Yokozuna - Like our big Asian friend, Wisconsin is slow, plodding, unimaginative and exceptionally effective at winning. I'm especially thankful they differ in the diaper wearing department, specifically in Mike Bruesewitz's case (at least he cut it this year).
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