If you’re reading this, it means the Miami Marlins haven’t yet pulled the trigger on a blockbuster trade or the team is mired in a long losing streak.
As a 25-year-old man with too much time on my hands, I often ponder which animals I can take in a fight. These thoughts often stay within my own head, but now, you’re all going to hear it.
I have ranked each mascot from the Marlins organization—including the major league team and full-season minor league affiliates—in terms of how well I’d fare against them in a fight-to-the-death. From best to worst, here’s how I think I’d do.