Picture me sat upright in a plush chair, looking earnestly at a presenter. Seconds after full-time, we are in the Sir Bobby Charlton Stand at Old Trafford, fans peering through the glass.
The scene is set. The inquest begins. I look out to the pitch, gesticulating towards the grass.
This is Manchester United. Manchester United Football Club. It's nowhere near good enough. Look around, the history of this place.
A free tip for any budding pundits out there: always add Football Club on the end for greater emphasis.