Hey jerks —
For months I have been begging y’all to feed me the flesh of a fan and y’all must think you’re pretty damn smart bringing me the one foe I cannot eat: Rice.
I AM KETO, PEOPLE.
Y’all claim that you love me, but you monsters are bringing RICE to campus and you’re gonna eat it in front of me without even feeling guilty about how I am forced to eschew carbohydrates by society’s unrealistic expectations for Tiger Bodies.
And, frankly, you’d be on a low carb diet too if they employed someone who had, as part of her job description, “update the public on Me The Tiger’s weight.