5. Maybe Gisele can yell at the Jaguars too.
While I didn’t see any headlines of Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele, berating the Patriots for failing to serve Brady with a gold dipped spoon this year, I bet the Jaguars could benefit from a beautiful woman parading around the field. Imagine Jags mascot Jaxson DeVille chasing Gisele around the sidelines with a megaphone, accusing her of distracting attention away from the ultimate goal of making the playoffs one year. Not only will Brady and Gisele both be confused, but so will Jaguars’ management, who won’t be used to having fans swarming EverBank Field for glimpses of two people associated with the team.
4. It’s Florida.
Sure, Jacksonville is Northeast Florida, which is not exactly the party, drug history laden atmosphere of Miami, but Jacksonville still has beaches. Not to mention, Jacksonville isn’t that far from Disney World and since it’s been a few years since Brady won a Super Bowl, the Brady kids are probably owed a visit to Mickey and the gang. The family won’t even have to give up the moat around their Los Angeles home: we have swamps and alligators accompanied by dudes who will wrestle them. Even still, the most important aspect of Florida for Tom Brady is our acceptance of stupid haircuts and pouting.
3. Our coaches probably wear sleeves on all their hoodies.
Something tells me new Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley wakes up every morning, maybe stretches a little, wanders into his closet and doesn’t decide to wear wrinkled pants with hoodie cutoffs to the game. While Bill Belichick will go down in history as one of the most accomplished head coaches of all time, the statue placed in Foxborough will have a grumpy old man snarl and read “No tweeting, only cheating!” In Jacksonville, Tom Brady can count on his new coaches to put skill over publicity, at least until Brady finally convinces GM Shad Khan to bring Tim Tebow onboard. Afterwards, Brady can relax on the bench while scouting a new mistress as the “Tebow! Tebow! Tebow!” chant rains down from the finally untarped seats.
2. None of our tight ends display the talents of candy bars when it counts.
Remember when Wes Welker dropped that game-winning pass and cost the Patriots the Super Bowl against the Giants last year? Tom Brady will never again have to worry about an Internet company dumping Butterfinger bars all over the Jacksonville streets. The Jaguars’ TE Marcedes Lewis hasn’t had the chance to catch a Division winning touchdown, nevermind the Super Bowl. In fact, the current Jacksonville QB is a blind ghost with no need for money, so Brady will be able to mold the team however he sees fit.
1. Tom Brady and Maurice Jones-Drew can complain together.
If Brady should fall into the Jacksonville rebuilding project, he and MJD can bro out during the offseason, mumble about not getting paid the most at their position, hold out during training camp, and then properly stub their toes and sit the rest of the season out. They will be playing in Jacksonville, after all, where things are always on the cusp of getting better but not quite boiling over into the realm of good decisions. Maybe Brady and MJD can collaborate on creating a Jaguars offense that doesn’t pass for four downs, run for four downs, and then hope the 59-yard field goal makes it through the uprights. If that doesn’t work, the Jaguars can always call Tony Romo.
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