Baseball teams all over Los Angeles (not you Angels) are acting a Donald Trump, going bankrupt and threatening not to pay anyone. Frank McCourt insists that Old Man Selig is screwing him by not allowing a TV deal with Fox. Here's Frank:
The team "is now on the verge of running out of cash, the result of a perfect storm of events," the Dodgers said in court papers filed yesterday. McCourt said the bankruptcy was triggered by Selig's refusal to approve the deal with Fox.
Well Frank, either it's Bud's fault or you're stuck in a post-modern (not the cool, artsy kind either), under-security-staffed thunderdome (chavez-ravine) where the only certainties on any given night are a few stabbings, several fractured craniums and a Rafael Furcal hamstring injury...which brings me to the point of this article.
The Dodgers aren't bankrupt. Numerous studies have shown that every time an owner opens their mouth about losing money that owner is lying. I'd bet Frank McCourt's new Maserati and soon-purchased-with-Dodger-dog-sales Greek Island that Frank McCourt is lying. But let's take F train drive over to fantasy land and assume that he's telling the truth.
He'd only be bankrupt because he's paying 100 mil per year for a team that was under .500 last year and is unlikely to make the playoffs this year. Cut payroll Frank! Do you think fewer Latin Kings aren't going to come to your games if your payroll is 50 mil rather than 100 mil? That's their turf now, they have no choice but to represent bro. The blood fued between Mexican Mafia, Bloods, Crips etc is sure to keep attendance afloat even without a great product on the field. See, a lack of security guards is now staring to pay off. Sell 9mms and bulletproof vests at the field and your margins soar, problem solved.
Dodgers' problems aside, owners in all sports are balling their Lasik perfected eyes out over players salaries. We don't have enough money? Well paying Vernon Wells 23 mil / year is a funny way of showing it. I don't have money, so I pay Vernon Wells almost nothing aside from the roll of quarters I throw at him every time I get to see him in person. Let's take a look at baseball's worst business decisions this year and see exactly what all that money is buying these teams:
Vernon Wells - 23 Million - Wells bounced back with a solid if unspectacular year in 2010. But that kind of production doesn't warrant 23 mil per even in any environment where owners are willing to guarantee Jayson Werth 123 million and prima noche for every couple that gets married in the stadium (it's true, read the contract)
Rafeal Furcal - 13 million - FRAAAAANNNNNKKKKK!!!! 13 million? For a 33 year old Dominican (Meaning he's probably closer to 51)? At least he plays hurt.
Hanley Ramirez - 11 million - It's a bit surprising that Hanley ended up on this list. It less surprising when you realize that he was given a contract last year and when you realized that every human works less hard when they get paid more. Including you judgy.
Johan Santana - 21.6 million - $ per strikeout = undefined because he refuses to play baseball because his shoulder is no longer attached to his torso. Slacker.
Carlos Lee - 19.0 million - 4.75 million per HR, $708,000 per batting average point.
Barry Zito - 18.5 million - $2 per annoying locker room guitar chord he plays while he rehabs and pretends to be part of a major league baseball team.
Jason Bay - 18.125 million - Highest paid Canadian world.
Ichiro - 18 millon - Highest paid person under 5'7" in the world.
Joe Mauer - 23 million - Highest paid perpetually injured person in the world.
Derek Lowe - 15 million - Highest paid pitcher with a 3-6 record and grey pubes.
John Lackey - 15.95 mill - Highest unnecessarily paid fat guy outside of Andy Richter. Tell me what either of those idiots offer the world. Lackey obviously can get you through 9 innings allowing no more than 7.36 runs. Richter can get you through an entire Conan show without laughing once, unless Conan makes one of his funny faces. Oh Conan, you and your expressive faces and $15 million salary. Only in America Don.
Travis Hafner - 13 million (2008-2011 production: 41 HRs, 144 RBIs, 210 games, 11 tendons ripped right off bone/43 pulled hamstrings that were in no way related to previous steroid use and subsequent stringent testing policies leading to cessation of steroid use)
Manny Ramirez - 18.65 million - FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! You better not be paying part of this...you are. Balls.
And that's literally the top 35 highest paid players in the majors. If I was a better, more dedicated writer I could have found hundreds more terrible decisions by you idiot billionaires. You're lucky I'm not that major league owners.
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