The major league baseball draft has commenced and consensus #1 pick Gerrit Cole has indeed went #1 to the Pittsburgh Pirates. I could break down the draft, poorly of course, but it would be even more fun to have a draft involving the the greatest fictional baseball players of all time. Did Gerrit Cole hit 110 the gun and pitch a perfect game at Yankee stadium in the World Series? Maybe next year Gerrit.
10. San Diego Padres - 3B - Ed - He has a plus arm and plus defensive range. Eric Chavez in his prime didn't do two flips in the air while snagging a line drive. His only real minus is realisticness and not just because he was a primate playing baseball. His costume was very obviously a midget in an ape suit that looked like it was outsourced to Ms. Smith's 3rd grade arts and crafts class. Remember Hollywood, don't skimp on wardrobe for any and all of your animal playing sports movies...also don't hire Matt LeBlanc.
9. Chicago Cubs - Roy Hobbs - RF - Roy has power for days and long flowing hair for weeks. He's just the bat the Cubs need in right field and if he can break Wrigley's scoreboard maybe they'll start acting like grown-ups and get a video board. He and Glenn Close would also be the power couple Chicago needs to rival Cutlerrari.
8. Cleveland Indians - RHP - Chet "The Rocket" Steadman - Chet goes here for no other reason than the director wanted Gary Busey to star in this movie so bad, he never once researched whether he could actually throw a baseball. His pitching also elicits an emotional response that forces people to make sweet videos like this one:
7. Arizona Diamondbacks - Kelly Leak - Coachability might be an issue here but it's hard to deny the tools Kelly brings to the table. He's a bad mother:
6. Washington Nationals - Jack Parkman - C - Parkman has rare power from the catcher position . He has a mean streak a mile wide and a swagger that could turn off some of his teammates. Oh, he's also a winner, and the owner of one hell of a leather jacket. Finally, he was in an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, so there's that.
oh and the shimmy: (5:50)
5. Kansas City Royals - Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez - CF - He can run, hit for average and he plays defense like an uninjured and not fat Ken Griffey Jr. He's an expert in canine behavior and blind African-Americans which is a great for PR assuming you have a lot of dog owning, blind African-Americans, of which Kansas City is the widely-known U.S. capital.
4. Baltimore Orioles - Babe Ruth - P/OF - Sure he runs like a duck and for some reason looks like Walter Sobchak, and sure he needs a less fat person to run from 2nd to home, but this guy can flat rake.
3. Arizona Diamondbacks - Henry Rowengartner - P - Some say he's a flash in the pan and a freak of nature, but show me another pitcher that could strike out Bobby Bonilla and a 137 pound Barry Bonds in the same trailer:
2. Seattle Mariners - Rick Vaughn P - The Mariners need another top of the rotation starter to match with King Felix and Michael Pineda. Rick will be that guy. Rick will also take follicle related risks ala former Seattle Mariner Bret Boone. If you remember correctly those Mariner teams were pretty successful when tips were being frosted and the HGH flowed through that locker room like gum and chewing tobacco.
Rick also has the professional polish to be the face of this franchise.
and finally...
1. Pittsburgh Pirates - Steve Nebraska - P - The Pirates solves a hole in their lineup and a hole in their rotation. 112 mph on the 81st pitch of the game. By the way, who better to call this then Costas? I really enjoy when fictional movies pay top dollar for announcers to make their movies legitimate and then cast Brendan Frasier to throw 112 mph and throw a perfect game on 81 pitches.
Did I miss anyone? Let me know in the comments.
Back to the Detroit Tigers Newsfeed