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I want Joey Gallo on the Indians and I don’t know what to do with these emotions

Late last week it was revealed that the Cleveland Indians, along with the Philadelphia Phillies, were in heavy pursuit of Texas Rangers third baseman/right fielder/dong smasher Joey Gallo. Like many of you, I wondered why. Why would the Indians want a sub-sub-par defender in the outfield who can hit home runs and do almost literally nothing else.

I joined in the playful bewilderment over the Indians “aggressively” pursuing a tree trunk of a man that can’t play the outfield. It just didn’t click.

Folks, I have seen the light.