Hi. I’m a completely unauthorized spokesperson for Carlos Carrasco with no connection to the athlete or permission to speak on his behalf whatsoever.
I wanted to let you know that my client* noted his intent to offer no mercy to his opponents this evening. His sliders will bite. His fastball will jump. His glances will pierce.
He pre-emptively extends his condolences to the families of the men he is about to dismantle on national television. He wishes to emphasize that he has no choice; the baseball gods have taken his hand. There will be a small service across the river in Hamilton Heights after the game in their honor.