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Addison Russell Homers Twice, Provides Perfect Allegory for Game By Hitting One Into Trash Can

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. And on Sunday afternoon, the Rockies took a big wet bite out of the Cubs’ ass. Which, wait, is that the former or the latter? I mean, the Cubs are bears but they were the ones being eaten. Ugh, I’m so confused.

Jason Hammel, who came into the game riding a 22-inning scoreless streak, was forced to wear one after surrendering 7 runs in the 1st and 3 more in the 4th. Only 6 of those 10 runs were earned, thanks to his defense’s inability to field baseballs hit their way, so yay for moral victories.