There are two fan bases that refuse to stand under the umbrella of success that the SEC has been holding for nearly a decade.
Alabama Football fans and Kentucky Basketball fans.
For the remaining 99.9 percent of fan bases, this is just reason 2,083 why Alabama and Kentucky has the most hated fans on earth. Duke fans could fall in that crowd, but there's really only about 43 true Duke fans out there.
There's also Notre Dame, but in order to truly annoy another fan base, your team has to win a game that matters while the rest of the world pulls with all their might for the other team. Everyone not wearing Irish green cheers against Notre Dame, but they usually commence to losing the game, so everyone heads to bed happy.
Although Alabama and Kentucky share the "America's Most Hated Fans" championship belt, the fans won't agree to share the title strap for "Best Program."
The two programs are identical when viewed with the naked eye. It takes the trained eye and tooth of a Blue Mister and Bammer to truly find the differences. There are many fans on both sides of the argument with said eye and tooth -- okay, said eye -- but we don't have enough time or space to let everyone have a say.
[caption id="attachment_681" align="alignright" width="210" caption="I dreamed of this matchup my entire childhood. Hogan dropped that leg. Got the 3-count."]
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So, what we did -- not really -- was hold a competition at University Mall in Tuscaloosa to find THE 'Bama fan to represent all 'Bama fans and Fayette Mall in Lexington to find THE UK fan to represent all 'Cats fans in this monumental matchup of 1994 Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair proportions.
To save everyone a long story -- and I don't feel like making one up -- the much-deserving winners were, for Alabama, Bryant Cooley from Andalusia, Alabama. Yes, he was named after Paul "Bear" Bryant.
Kentucky will be represented by Russell Eddie of Glasgow, Kentucky. No, he was not named after Adolf Rupp because no one born in the United States after 1942 was named Adolf without being charged with treason.
Congrats to these two gentlemen willing to share their eye for detail and their vacation time from the local Dairy Queen. I kid. I'm a 'Bama fan married to a Kentucky fan. I know as well as anyone that not every 'Bama and UK fan is white trash. Just the 89 percent that call Lot 6 home. Again, I kid.
A coin was flipped backstage. Mr. Cooley won the toss and elected to defer to the second half. It wasn't an option, but he said, "That is what Coach Saban would do because defense wins championships, baby!"
So, Mr. Eddie will go first representing Kentucky.
The moderator asks the first question -- "Rick Pitino vs. Gene Stallings. Who meant more to his program and why?"
[caption id="attachment_682" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="'Tucky."]
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Mr. Eddie: Dude. Your nuts (yeah, he even misspelled the usage of the word orally -- think about that for a minute). Pitino sucks, but he's still got blue blood, dude. He said it himself after the Loovull game. This was his favorite Kentucky team. So yeah, Pitino can kiss my white tailfeather, but he won when he was here.
Moderator: Okay. Mr. Cooley?
Mr. Cooley: Bro, don't even try it. Stallin's is the man after the man and before the man. For one, he ain't been having sex in no fancy Italian restaurants like Fazoli's and Olive Garden. And two, he coached with the Bear. Nuff said, bro. So, I say, 'What is Stallings, Alex?"
Moderator: Point for Mr. Cooley for answering in the form of a question and actually answering the question. Okay. Let's skip to the final question for the sake of keeping the South from slipping back to 1865. If Jesus came back tomorrow and requested to see one venue, do you take Him to Rupp Arena or Bryant-Denny Stadium?
[caption id="attachment_683" align="alignright" width="300" caption="When Kentucky Basketball won their 8th National Championship in New Orleans, all of Alabama was enamored... with how quarterback AJ McCarron looked in the scrimmage two days earlier."]
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Cooley: That's easy. Neither. It'd be Legion Field. I'd have Jesus take the wheel and drive me right through them Legion Field neighborhoods, man. All them dudes would be waving them towels trying to get us park in their yard, but I'd be like, 'Naw, bro. I got Jesus behind my wheel. We don't need your parkin', dude. We'll be parkin' closer than Finebaum.' Then I'd yell, 'Roll Tide' and flip errbody off. I wouldn't be scared of none of them dudes gettin' mad and shootin' at me 'cause Jesus would be right there, bro. Jesus would be right there. *Hums chorus to Jesus Take the Wheel*
[caption id="attachment_684" align="alignleft" width="212" caption="Anyone else hear ice cream truck music eerily playing in the background when they look at this picture? Okay, good. I'm not the only one. "]
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Eddie: Man, you got problems over there, Skynyrd. Bruh asked about Rupp or Bryan-Danny. I'd take Jesus to the house his Daddy built. Memorial Coliseum. So, Mr. Moderator, you're the dork hole here, buddy. Know your'n venues. Dale, Jr. once said, 'I got loose in two, but it was tight comin' out of four.' What that means is sometimes you gotta let off and sometimes you gotta get into it. So I'd say, 'Jesus. You and me's goin' to Memorial Coliseum.' Then I'd ask him to summons Kyle Macy and Travis Ford to the 'Coliseum to play a game of H-O-R-S-E. The moment becomes total Nevada (Nirvana) when Jesus turns His back but for a moment. When He turns around to reveal His face, His beard is gone. In its place is Gimel Martinez's mustache. I cry. *Hums chorus to Jesus Take the Wheel*
Moderator: Forget it. It's a tie. Stay tuned. Coming up next is Vanderbilt Basketball versus themselves. Vandy will more than likey beat themselves and it will more than likely only last one round so don't go too far. *Hums chorus to Jesus Take the Wheel*
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